"You can be pretty sure you've created God in your own image when God hates all the same people you hate." ~Anne Lamott
"I smile to my anger" ~Thich Nhat Hahn
This season opened for me with a beautiful gift of love from a very kind, generous, and expansive man. The gift had no trappings, was love placed squarely and simply. This season will close for me, with a shiny box wrapped with a huge red bow. A glowing red bow. What is in the box? A profound anger. And this may be the best gift of all.
Yesterday I looked my brother in law full in the face and called him a PUSSY. To be fair, he is a physically powerful man who was standing a step above me, in my own mother's house, holding a big heavy metal flashlight, which he switched on and pointed in my eyes three inches from my face. His rage, far bigger than mine, was causing him to vibrate. He was doing all he could to physically intimidate me. He was desperate for me to leave.
He is profoundly afraid of me; I am not afraid of him. I, being the only woman in my family of origin who has not dedicated my life to supplication before angry or broken men. I think this must be the scariest thing on earth for him. And it fills me with a measure of compassion. It feels awful to live in fear and anger. He is one of the angriest men I have ever met.
I believe I see him clearly. I did my best to respond truthfully and authentically, which is how I try to live. But WOW was I mad! I was so angry that I couldn't fall asleep last night. I lay there reliving the scene, explaining to my extended family what happened, hearing my mother say to me as I passed her on my way to confront my brother in law, "Think of your son." I mentally reviewed, at great length, the rich irony of that plea. I spent some time trying to help my mother understand why her life flees before her and her daughters in ever widening spirals of pain. I spoke to myself at great length about the definition of truth and of love.
Then I heard Thich Nhat Hanh speak in my head. He said, "Take good care of your anger." Then I fell asleep.
I woke up grateful for what happened yesterday. Before me, a thousand times, my anger will flash. I sit with it. I feel myself surrounding this curious hot feeling. I review why my brother in law, mother, sisters, and myself are all the way we are. I hold each of us up, turn us this way and that, I kiss each of us on the top of the head. I am moved, nearly to tears, with gratitude for all the distance I've placed between myself and these people. Still, I give them all a mental kiss. I return to my own anger. I watch it ebb. Later, under it, I will discover sadness.
Take good care of your sadness. Like a parent holding a baby. You need these emotions to help show you the truth. They are, in fact, beautiful gifts. And it feels trite to say so. And is true none the less. All I can do it is tell the truth, cultivate love, set healthy boundaries, and cling to authenticity. What better gifts than reality?
"I smile to my anger" ~Thich Nhat Hahn
This season opened for me with a beautiful gift of love from a very kind, generous, and expansive man. The gift had no trappings, was love placed squarely and simply. This season will close for me, with a shiny box wrapped with a huge red bow. A glowing red bow. What is in the box? A profound anger. And this may be the best gift of all.
Yesterday I looked my brother in law full in the face and called him a PUSSY. To be fair, he is a physically powerful man who was standing a step above me, in my own mother's house, holding a big heavy metal flashlight, which he switched on and pointed in my eyes three inches from my face. His rage, far bigger than mine, was causing him to vibrate. He was doing all he could to physically intimidate me. He was desperate for me to leave.
He is profoundly afraid of me; I am not afraid of him. I, being the only woman in my family of origin who has not dedicated my life to supplication before angry or broken men. I think this must be the scariest thing on earth for him. And it fills me with a measure of compassion. It feels awful to live in fear and anger. He is one of the angriest men I have ever met.
I believe I see him clearly. I did my best to respond truthfully and authentically, which is how I try to live. But WOW was I mad! I was so angry that I couldn't fall asleep last night. I lay there reliving the scene, explaining to my extended family what happened, hearing my mother say to me as I passed her on my way to confront my brother in law, "Think of your son." I mentally reviewed, at great length, the rich irony of that plea. I spent some time trying to help my mother understand why her life flees before her and her daughters in ever widening spirals of pain. I spoke to myself at great length about the definition of truth and of love.
Then I heard Thich Nhat Hanh speak in my head. He said, "Take good care of your anger." Then I fell asleep.
I woke up grateful for what happened yesterday. Before me, a thousand times, my anger will flash. I sit with it. I feel myself surrounding this curious hot feeling. I review why my brother in law, mother, sisters, and myself are all the way we are. I hold each of us up, turn us this way and that, I kiss each of us on the top of the head. I am moved, nearly to tears, with gratitude for all the distance I've placed between myself and these people. Still, I give them all a mental kiss. I return to my own anger. I watch it ebb. Later, under it, I will discover sadness.
Take good care of your sadness. Like a parent holding a baby. You need these emotions to help show you the truth. They are, in fact, beautiful gifts. And it feels trite to say so. And is true none the less. All I can do it is tell the truth, cultivate love, set healthy boundaries, and cling to authenticity. What better gifts than reality?
8 comments:
I don't even know what to say... that they dish out crap like this is absolutely appalling. The Golden Rule is a pretty clear directive, and that's that. How dare they treat you this way. love, V
Oh well v, you know, there are not many innocents in my family.
I am so grateful for the growing and the changing. Haven Kimmel spoke, recently, about losing the ability to imagine other people exist. I think about that. And I wonder if this fellow will ever change. I am so glad, its not really my problem either way. I just work on myself.
love to you, k
My eyebrows raised as high as they could while reading your post.
Wow!
I'm with v. I don't know what to say. But I think you've hit upon something to remember. Our anger, sadness has, IF WE LET IT, the ability to show us the WHY. And when we know the WHY...we can place this anger/sadness somewhere different. Maybe not in the same box as forgiveness and understanding..but very near it.
I'm sorry you are still affected by these people. I am happy you are not OF them any longer, but have created distance.
Amen, sister.
Is that not the very ugliest word possible? I loath that word. But it jumped to my lips, I think, because it has the connotation of cowardice. And also because, there is no greater insult to a misogynist, is there? Whew, ugly stuff.
Thanks for the support, y'all.
Oh wait, there is my anger. I smile to my anger. I hold my anger with love. I breath.
Good. For. You.
Take good care of yourself, because really, that's the best you can do. The rest will all fall where it falls.
Oh, and yes, I do believe that man is a bonafide PUSSY! Well done!
Wow, Katherine. Well done. I'm so proud of you.
My parents gave me no tools besides a hammer and the option of just not using a tool. So now, as an adult, I can choose to either yell, scream, and hit, or run away. I want to use neither. So I'm trying to find my way.
Thich Naht Hahn's book Anger has been so good for me. I reread it a *lot*.
From someone trying to break the cycle, congratulations! And I'm glad you truly thought of your son and how this would affect him.
Post a Comment