The thing about photography is that its just so done.   Our culture is image saturated. That, and photography produces so much product.  In fact, the product actually gives me the creeps when I think too much about it.  Our generation is so documented.  We are up to our eyeballs in documentation.  And it feels narcissistic, somehow.   Does that stop me from keeping huge plastic tubs of photos of my children?  Of course not.  Does that stop me from keeping back up hard drives devoted to family photography?   No.  Still, it creeps.

What I love is the process of taking the pictures.  That's the goody!  And today is one of those increasingly rare days of rain the way rain can only be in North Carolina.  We used to get these days for weeks at a time.  Rain rain rain and rain.  Last years musty flannel cold on the shoulder saturated soft greened gray on and deep to the well bottoms of the bare feet of our huge trees see the heron on the rock get used to it rain from the bright sky land of deciduous and wet and chilled and back inside where a fashion magazine could only smell obscene.  Where is the cocoa?  Now, we are living IN the good land.  I need only the smallest excuse, a camera will do nicely.

I've been sick.  I'm so over being sick.  They keep telling me to rest.  The cow is milked.  The kids are snuggled upstairs playing with friends.   Dinner is simmering for tonight.  The cream is set out to sour for butter.  The milk is chilled and tucked into the refrigerator.   I just saved the almonds from over toasting.  Maybe pasta with butter, garlic, the last of the fresh basil (rain washing right now) topped with toasted almonds.  Lunch.  Only one thing missing.  Hurry home through the rain, my love.

Cows have moved from hobby to career.  Next topic please.  Something fun that doesn't require too much hand strength.  Photography bores me too much to justify the price.  I like to dabble there but after awhile zzzzzzzzzz.   Someone once informed me that I was a baker.   As if that's all I should be allowed to do.  I was all, like, HUH?!  I am so much more than a baker. 

What is next?  Its fun to contemplate.  New horizons.....  And life, something lovely please?  Something gratifying and rich.  Maybe time to return to meditation?   The kids were busy in the library today.  I am so tired and so full I couldn't take in another distraction.  No more books to read.  No more movies.  No more new things.  No more diversions.  I just sat there in a chair meditating while they browsed, a skill the midwives in California gave me. 

Riley is interested in Braille.  She wants to understand what life is like for the blind.  She wonders if maybe learning Braille will help her mind learn what the senses of a blind person perceive.  That's a pretty cool idea.   When I lived in Los Aptos I used to walk on the beach blind every day.  It was a form of meditation that I made up.  Sometimes, not too often but sometimes, I would forget I was walking.   Its hard to understand how that could be a good thing.  But it was.  It felt like floating. 

Do you know what a cream line is?  Look very closely.  This is our morning's milk.  These are 1/2 gallon jars.  They had been chilling about two hours when I took the picture.  You can click to make them bigger.  I'm guessing that's more than a quart of cream. 

My hands are getting stronger.   And today standing in the barn yard after the chores, I looked at Elderberry eating hay in the morning sunshine with the goats and Raspberry.  I had a fleeting feeling of affection for her. Actual affection.  I think we're going to be okay. 

I just can't type much right now.  My hands are .... coping.  But we are wealthy with milk.  And we made butter and it was fabulous - bright yellow, delicious.   And I keep a jar of cream in my fridge now.  Ya know, just because.    Whew, I'll be back online when I get stronger in the arms, hands, and back muscles.   What I've done, is to buy a membership at a gym.  The kind of gym where you HAVE to go everyday.  The instructor might, at any moment, kick you in the face.  And you come home with lots of milk.  Also, this project creates its own imperative with laundry and kitchen cleanliness.  So we are adjusting to a whole new way of life these days. 

Wow.  This post is titled WOW.

For the last three days as the drama of the cow and my uterus have unfolded, through my tears and fever and weeping and fear, somehow the essential thing happening escaped me.  Today, I milked Elderberry in 45 minutes, got a gallon and a half of milk, and she never kicked me once.  All of that would have been enough.  I'm feeling pretty good about all of that.  Though, my fore arms are so sore I can barely type.  My fingers are literally shaking on the keyboard.  Still, Elderberry and I are doing it.  And the children and the goat are doing it.  And that is something I was not sure of three days ago. So that is good.

I got home.  Put the milk up.  Poured a big glass and took a sip.  Okay?  WOW.  Seriously, wow.   I had to run upstairs and make the kids taste it.  How had I not really tasted it before?   Oh my GOODNESS!  WOW!  This milk is so sweet.

I don't mean sweet like an athletic victory, though it is.  I don't mean sweet like a spiritual victory over self doubt and fear, though it is.  Mean SWEET.  Sweet like there is sugar in the milk.  Sweet exactly like Mother's Milk.   And human mothers have very sweet milk.  Did you know?  You should taste your own milk when you are a nursing mother because the sweetness lets you know you are getting enough vegetables in your diet.  The healthier your diet the sweeter your milk.  Pretty cool, huh?

How is it possible that a creature I was so afraid of and mad at has given my family this sweet sweet sweet gift?  How is is possible that the general population ever agreed to trade this wholesome amazing thing, this sweet fresh milk, for what they get in the store?   And well, just  ......... WOW.

The children decided they will need to milk the goat since I will be busy milking the cow.  This decision was made without my input.  And I am delighted. 

So they did.  They milked that goat.  They did a great job.  They really really did it.  They took turns because they figured out it is much easier to milk two handed.  I looked up and Henry was sitting by the stanchion with both hands working and milk was streaming into the pail.  This is the boy who loves goats.  And maybe I was a bit too controlling about the milking.  Because they really can do it.  And do it right.  

There are so many things to learn.  I am so grateful for our life.  Even though I'm still unsure about milking cows.  But I'm coming around.  I've been practicing in my dreams.  Just yesterday I was explaining to the children that thinking about how to do something and going over it in your mind is an important part of learning.  Thinking about practicing does make you better, is a form of practice.  Which is so cool.  Henry asked if it would work with typing.  I said, of course.  He said, "Saweeeeet." 

Miss Six has been renamed Elderberry.   This is good.  She is elder.  There is respect due.  Keep it in mind.

Can't type for a while.   Wow, cows!   Things are better.  Will get better.  More later, y'all...

I said, "Wow Ry that is really heavy.  I can't believe you can carry that."
She said, "Well, I just told myself that I'm a cowgirl, not a school girl."

All fine and well for Ry.  For myself, I no longer love cows.  I don't even want a cow.  I'm not sure I even want a goat.  What Was I Thinking?

Maybe it will be better tomorrow.  Maybe I can milk her tomorrow.  Maybe I will like her tomorrow.  Tonight, I don't think we like each other at all.   She kicked and pooped and knocked the bucket over.   She made it clear she did not want me to milk.  I didn't cave in.  I kept milking.  But it sucked.  Ry said, "Well Mom, if you are frustrated just think how she is feeling."

I'm thinking Ry is the real cowgirl around here.