Dear Katherine,

It is very sweet, that you love me so. I appreciate that nice quote about love you took the time to put on your blog, together with our picture. You are pretty nice, as humans go. You brush me and bring me grain and scratch my neck. Sometimes, after you have been near me, my stall is suddenly clean. And fresh water magically appears, every time you are near.

So please don't misunderstand me. I do, very much, thank you for all your help and kindness. But what I could really use, is someone to get all these stinking-assed maggots out of my horn holes. Ya know that time those bad men tied me down and burned holes in my head where I used to have completely adorable and useful little horns? (What the hell is wrong with you humans?) Remember that? Yeah, well, it hasn't been so much fun walking around with holes in my head where the adorable and useful horns used to be. And the worms...well, I am seriously and literally in danger of being driven out of my mind here. So, if it isn't too much trouble, and if you can drag your fat butt away from that computer for five extra minutes, I really could use some help. With my horn holes. Where my adorable and useful horns used to be. Where I now have festering maggots.

Thanks a lot. Love ya! Ms. Raspberrious Bovinicus Moocrificus