I am thinking about Narcissists. I want to get clear about the behavior and the damage. I want to get clear about myself. And mostly, as always, I want to get clear about how to best raise the children.
I have noticed that Narcissists tend to objectify the people in their lives. (Holy Christ, how children suffer this.) Notice that I did not say that Narcissists tend to objectify the people they love. Narcissists can not love, in the truest sense of the word. What Narcissists can do, is objectify the people close to them. The Object/Person in the life of a Narcissist is there to make the Narcissist either look good or feel good. So another word for this Object/Person would be a Tool. Children, sisters, brothers, spouses, parents, many of us can also be described as tools. Have you found yourself accused and blamed for someone's unhappiness. You thought you were a person. You have just discovered you are actually a tool in the eyes of that person.
This begs the question, How can an object object? By refusing to be an object any longer. By daring to have an opinion, and much more grievous to the Narcissist, by daring to disagree or disobey. In short, you decide to be a person. This will mean that you are, now, no longer an object. Remember that Narcissists only have Object/People in their lives. So, you will be cast out. That is your choice. You may be a tool or you may be a person. Rarely, will you be a whole person in the company of a Narcissist. If you try to be a person with real feelings, opinions, and (dare I even say it?) needs, you will become anathema to the Narcissist. Real people, I have noticed, are almost completely invisible to Narcissists, whose lives tend to be very dark and very painful. Plan to hear a lot about the darkness and the pain. If you choose to love a Narcissist, then you should plan to get blamed for this dark pain, as well.
from Aftermath:
"Narcissists can and do control themselves when someone's good opinion is sought -- in front of a judge, for instance -- and are skilled at presenting a respectable, even admirable, public face; some are actually meek and mild in public. Most of us who've lived with narcissists have had the experience of being disbelieved when we dared to tell what goes on in private; in some ways, we can hardly believe it ourselves. Life with a narcissist is like a bad dream that you can't wake up from. As a child, I used to be dazed by my narcissistic parent's public demeanor -- I wanted to take that person home with me or else live our entire family life in the protection of the public eye -- so attractive, modest, and sweet that even I could hardly believe that this same person could be the raging fiend I knew at home and had seriously thought, for a while when I was about ten, might be a werewolf. But truthful reports about narcissists' private behavior are often treated as symptoms of psychological problems in the person telling the tale -- by naming the problem, you become the person with the problem (and, let's face it, it's more gratifying to work on changing someone responsive than it is to tackle a narcissist). And I'm talking about the experience many of us have had with "the helping professions," including doctors, teachers, clergy, counselors, and therapists. This stuff is hard to talk about in the first place because it's weird, shameful, and horrifying, and then insult is added to injury when we're dismissed as overreacting (how many times have we heard "You're just too sensitive"?), deluded or malicious, as inventing stories, exaggerating, imagining things, misinterpreting -- it goes on and on. The fact is that there is next to nothing anyone can do to modify a narcissist's behavior and the only useful advice I ever got (first from my non-narcissistic parent, later repeated by my Jungian analyst) was "Get out and stay out." But that's much more easily said than done. We're still members of families that have been damaged, corrupted and corroded by narcissists' pathology, and we can't totally remove ourselves from the narcissists' sphere of influence without also forsaking other family members and old friends. Parents sharing child-rearing or custody with narcissists, or who have narcissistic children, can't just get out and stay out.
Anyhow, these are chronic troubles that I haven't even attempted to address fully on these pages, because it's a horrible mess and I can hardly be coherent about it. Additionally, most of my narcissists are still living and, regardless of the hell they put their intimates through, as long as they keep their behavior out of the news, they're entitled to privacy. Besides, I still love them and have residual protective feelings. Mea culpa -- though my steadfast husband tells me that loving someone is never wrong."
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6 comments:
O.k., I did a long comment, and then lost it because I don't seem to be able to type the word verification, twice (blush).
Reading your description, I would say my father was a narcissist and I had very similiar expriences.
I would disagree with your husband that loving someone is never wrong if it is hurting you (which it may not be).
There is freedom in letting go. Although dientangling completely still eludes me.
I agree with your hubby. Love is a good thing. But loving someone doesn't mean you have to see them, to be near them, to listen to them, be hurt by them.
It's sometimes easier to love at a distance. This doesn't decrease the love, in fact, loving someone from a distance sometimes allows a person to gain perspective. To heal. To become MORE capable of sorting the mixed feelings.
I know this makes sense, because although I am not where you are, I think I live nearby, ya know?
Just to be really clear, especially since I quote so heavily, that part about a husband was taken from Aftermath. If you are interested in this topic you should fly there to read the sane kind words. I wish I had written them, but I didn't. I am just grateful for them.
I thought the comment about how it is never wrong to love was poignant. And I find myself in agreement. However, it is a slippery slope. Loving the abusive..... that really is so much at the heart of the matter here. It makes a circle very much entwined with loving yourself. You have to proceed with extreme caution and perspective in the company of broken people. I am in the company of so so so many broken people. Am I broken? Sometimes. Do I work hard with the glue and the tape? Bet on it. It's my duty as a mother, wife, friend, and whole person.
I am coming to see clearly how very much of an HONOR it is to be ALLOWED to love and to receive love from another. Best to be clear and best to be careful. In fact, I loved a man in passing once. I asked him, "How do you love?" And after a long pause he said, "Very Carefully."
How sweet is that? It's right on. It has taken me another 17 years to catch up to that comment.
I think we are at a time of life when the bloom is off the rose, so to speak. Parenting and age have a way of forcing you see people around you in the harsh light of day. KWIM?
If your boundaries are strong then you can be close to the narcissist. But if they're weak, you'll need more emotional and/or physical distance.
The thing about the harsh light of day is that there's no more black and white. You see the good, bad and everything in the middle. With time it's possible to accept what you see without getting sucked into the bad stuff. Like walking through mud without getting dirty. Some of us can do that early in life, but not many.
I think you can love or not love (or forgive or not forgive) as long as it doesn't mean harming yourself in that moment. It's a process.
Fuckin' hell, that quote from aftermath sums up my whole childhood with my mother. The "people not believing me" part really struck a chord because I've never been able to find the right words to vocalise the frustration and hurt that comes with that.
Thank you for this post. (not being cheeky any longer :))
I am fascinated by this. I have always termed my mother a narcissist but after reading "Aftermath", I find myself wanting to disavow that label. It just sounds so much worse mostly because I am in a pretty good place right now. My mother lives far away and my contact is very limited and I seem to be making my own choices right now. Isn't that sad? I am 44 years old and I SEEM to be making my own choices.
But I struggle; I never know exactly what is right. NEVER am I certain. I knew when I was at her knee (or later sitting beside her drinking wine and smoking cigarettes) when I was right; she would applaud my aplomb or wisdom beyond my years. Much later, I discovered that it wasn't wisdom; it was a coping mechanism. I was so in tune with what she needed from me that I could give it flawlessly in order to feel some measure of love -- her acceptance as opposed to rejection -- those really felt like the two choices. I was so formed by this that it seems I will have to die and be reincarnated to ever know a different way of interacting with the world...to ever know who I am intended to be, to know myself, to feel I have a core.
The worst part for me is the fear; see I don't know that you can be raised by a narcisisst and not have some measure of those traits. I know I do and when they rear the head,the self-loathing is powerful. I sometimes wish I could disentangle from myself. Btw, there has been lots of therapy. Yes, I could use more. I am glad to find this support website on being raised by a narcisisst. Thanks for this post, Katherine. Lori sent it to me.
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