Maybe I'm hitting an age? I'm not sure why. But lately more than one young woman has come to me in dire pain. Let's be clear. I going to try to cut through drama here. But you can't do that authentically, unless you can name it. Dire, serious, soul searing, filleted, profoundly dark, I think I might die now, pain. That's what I'm going to try and address. I'm talking about anxiety and fear that would cause you to be desperate. If you've been there, you are nodding your head right now. If you have not been there, thank the sweet Gods and move on to another blog.

I do not think there has been remotely enough discussion about rape, sexual abuse, and incest. In fact, I would offer this holy triumvirate as the last real conversational taboo in our culture, and likely the world. Its time to let go of that nonsense. I would say, after 40 years, most of the women I know have varying levels of experience with sexual abuse. Its gotten to the point, when I meet a woman, I assume she's been raped. Sometimes she hasn't. But often enough. Its time to talk about it. It happens all the time. The stats are wildly under reported.

From my training as a rape crisis counselor, I can tell you that it happens to men frequently as well. And that is the number one conversational taboo of all time. For men, its worse. But I can only speak to the feminine experience here. And to the human experience. Men have added layers, with all of this.

When you are in dire pain, when you live in fear, when you feel yourself numbed to the point of isolation, there are things that can help you get better. You are trapped in a dark labyrinth. You can find your way out. Feeling that you can not find your way out is normal.

Drugs help some people. They have their place. But they might not work for you. That's ok. You can get better without them. Also, get yourself a good therapist and tell them everything. Hold nothing back. Talk as fast as you can. Get all your words out. You are there to tell your story, don't waste your money or time dithering. You are on a mission to save yourself and to feel better. Feeling better is over there, on the other side of isolation and numbness.

You are going to practice setting aside all the fine rational well established factual evidence that life will kill you after its done being painful. You are going on a wild and nutty search for a truth deeper than pain. Life is dark. However, there is much more to the story. If you want to get better, you must discover what more. How?

Practice sitting with your feelings. You don't have to be good at it. Mostly, all you have to do is consciously abide. Sit quietly and practice noticing your feelings. I understand this sounds absurd. We have established the truth of the pain. The pain is huge. It literally throbs; it could take your head off. Why would you sit still and concentrate on noticing something so huge and obvious? Because 70% of those feelings are bluster risen from fear. When you agree to notice yourself, yourself will slowly begin to calm down. We observe something similar with children.

Have you ever noticed that children in daycare will play happily all day. But when their parents arrive, they fall apart. They start whining and crying. Sometimes they actually just crumple into their parents, with hot tears and words pouring out. "Johnny took my ball! And then I spilled my milk. And my picture got torn!" The casual listener might think the kid had a bad day. But they were, indeed, playing happily. Our darker feelings are much like this. They are alone in the school yard, bucking up, acting fine, making do, trying to have some fun, but all the time waiting for you to show up. Waiting for the moment when they can get real. All you have to do for these feelings, to care for them, is show up. Sit there and feel them. They will eventually calm down. You can start with one minute a day, if you need to. Sometimes, that's all a person can take. It will be enough. Just keep trying.

Good news: the loving feelings are under the scary ones. When you can feel the scary ones, the happier easier ones will start to show up as well. Imagine, there is a safety net of love inside of you. You can't feel it. You don't trust it. But, its there. Go slowly. Be patient and kind with yourself. It could take a year of sitting and trying. But the love is there. You, speaking biologically, can not live without love. It is in there and it can rescue you, if you make a safe place for it.

Practice always telling the whole truth. This will cause you a world of trouble. The people in your life who count on you to collude with them in their dysfunctional dishonesty will be furious. That's entirely their problem. You are responsible for saving yourself. Tell the truth. Make it your religion. Call it God. You won't be far off the mark, in any case.

Create magic, make up your own rules, seek people who are unafraid. You are on a quest to find what works. Feel free to experiment. For a year or two, I bought myself children's books and read them. This was years before I had children of my own. There is plenty of beautiful parenting in children's books. Other people run miles or hike. Some journal or paint. Dancing alone to loud and soulful music almost always takes me to a better place. I did a lot of that for years.

I noticed, as I worked in therapy, that what I was receiving from my therapist was the good parenting I'd never gotten from my actual parents. As soon as I figured that out, I began to consciously open myself to any good parenting I could identify. It turns out, good parenting is all over the place. I actually took various older people out to dinner and interviewed them: "Please, if you don't mind telling me, how do you cope with pain and the truth of chaos?" I took Dr. Marion Phillips out to Pyewackett in 1991 and asked him this very question. He said, "There are people who confront the chaos. There are people who don't. An example of not confronting the chaos would be lying on the couch watching tv. An example of confronting it, might be trying to write a poem. In confronting the chaos, I've noticed that sometimes I can see my way clear, as if coming into an open glade in a forest. When that happens, I rest there. It is enough." See? Other people said other, equally helpful and beautiful things. All I had to do was ask. Seek good parenting for yourself. Try to be brave about it. The more parenting I could cull from the universe, the less I had to pay for in therapy.

Manifest as much beauty calmness, order, tidiness, healthy food, and regular sleep as you can. But don't be neurotic about it. Stay flexible. Sometimes, for some people, one bottle of wine and the right company can undo several layers of pain. That's ok too. Do what truly works and is sustainable. Generally speaking, too much alcohol, caffeine, sugar, or neurotic friends are not going to be sustainable in the long run. You are going for the long run, here. Life is going to be getting better and better for you. Think long term and be gentle. Pace yourself.

More good news: you are going to fail. It is ok to fail. I fail all the time. I fail to be completely honest. I fail to abide. I fail my children and my husband. Its ok. You can fail and still keep getting better. When you fail, make a mental note of it, apologize if necessary, and move on. Noticing your failure will help you get better, quite naturally. Like learning not to touch something hot.

Become an earnest student of reality. If your world view is skewed to pain, heightened by fear, your ability to see life clearly and maneuver is limited. It is possible there are many options of which you are unaware. You are going to bust out and encounter more space, more light, more freedom, and more love than you have previously comprehended. You think life is too dark or scary for you? You doubt what I'm saying? Well, my dear, that is diagnostic. Doubt extremes, instead. Experiment with doubting negativity. Life is generally much more subtle and flexible than black and white.

None of this will shelter you from pain. Pain is inevitable. (Yes, even for homeschoolers.) You are simply learning to deal with it. And to become a healthier, stronger, more effective and happier person. You can do it.

addendum: Patty Griffin wrote this song, I believe, for George Bush. As he is one of the biggest rapists as yet uncharged, I feel this song applies here personally as well as globally. Music is a huge help in the struggle to be alive: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jac5tXhMUrE&feature=related