Its difficult for me to write lately because I keep devolving into a mean spirited cantankerousness that does not reflect our life right now. The writing doesn't match the living and I get stuck. Why so mad? Ironically, because we are learning. I am learning. The more we unschool, the deeper we investigate what we can do, the wearier I get with our current society. I start to talk about that, then. And I give up, disgusted. Either bragging or criticizing. Who needs either one?
Here is a new familiar pattern. I think, "Wow, I want to......" It could be almost anything. I want to learn how to cane, take a picture, raise a calf, ferment food, knit lace, write, educate my children, connect, use a hammer, compost, navigate the bizarre world on line, give shots, make snow globes, sing, think, create, try, delve. Everything I want to learn begins with desire then progresses to just enough research to scare myself. Like the good authentic southern princess that I am, I wallow a while in self deprecation. I query experts. I quit. Then desire flairs. I do more research. I SAY FUCK IT. Understanding that I am doomed to a life of miserable failure, I decide to try anyway. I'm just rebellious enough. And I'm learning what I can do.
I am willing to fail. I try not to seek perfection. I've met perfection in so many various forms. And almost without exception, I find hubris and want underneath the proffered illusion.
And I've learned that we can do almost anything we want to do. It isn't that hard. You heard me. It just isn't that hard. Knitting is not hard. Cooking is not hard. Making art is not hard. Using a hammer is not hard. Math is not hard. Poetry is a little hard. Medicine is not hard. People, we are pampered. We are taught to bow and grovel before experts. We are educated into a dependent mentality. Guess what? All of that is a lie.
Wrestling with your ego is hard. Perpetual perception of relativity is hard. Loving without manipulating is hard. Believing you can is hard.
Doing? I keep discovering that doing is just a physical trick. Do any of you remember Michael Hedges? I sat in his studio one morning, patiently explaining that I am tone deaf. He kept a poster of the human ear on the soundproof door of his control room. He walked over and slapped it hard. He said, "Honey, its just the development of a muscle, same as playing guitar." "You can do it," he said. I didn't believe him.
I wanted to go to medical school when I was 25. A 45 year old woman, in her residency said, "Oh, you can do it." I didn't believe her.
My Great Aunt Katherine, the most excellent person I ever knew, a WAC, dean of Hood College, as independent as they were ever made, would constantly say, "Just do your best and that will be fine." I did not believe her.
It turns out, they were all correct. I can do it. My children can do it. Most folks can do most things. Experts tend to be narcissists, and also people just looking to get paid. Getting paid is fine. I'm not against it. But raising passive dependent children, living your adult life worshiping the cult of expertise, perpetuating our materialistic and narcissistic society is just a shame. It is all based on myth, and shallow commercial myth, at that. Why devote your life to shallow myth?
This makes a circle right back to homeschooling. I hear all the time, how people can't. They think they don't have enough money. They secretly think their kids are too bratty to stand. (They think school will fix that, somehow. Talk about magical thinking!) They think they need more stuff. They think they must be expert educators. I've learned all of that is wrong. Most of what our society runs on is wrong. Our medical system, our education system, our energy system, our financial system, our food system - we have it all wrong. We can lay that partly at the feet of the experts running the show. But also at the feet of the people who pay them. That would be you and me. You need a second job to pay for MORE, more of what is wrong?
Have your children spent more time in company with strangers or with you? What do you value and what do you believe possible?
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6 comments:
My God, Katherine. I SO get this. The jump from inspiration to infuriating frustration. Perfectionism? Definitely. But mostly, I just see so very much out there that is broken - and then I see our way. I KNOW our way is right - right deep down inside my innards. It makes me want to scream at the world, "Don't you fucking get it?"
But the world at large doesn't get it yet. So until they do, we just keep living our truth - and fight the occasional bit of smugness in knowing that we absolutely can do it, even when it doesn't seem like enough, and it frustrates the cootie out of us, and the rest of the world looks at us while snickering at our differences.
We can absolutely do it - and it will be good enough.
Oh Rae, its not smugness so much as sadness. Sadness when I see kids who are actually cultivated brats. Sadness when I meet artists who think creativity is a competition. Sadness that young women are still taught to fear birth. Sadness that people amass more more more more more more. (The $100. baby doll hypocrite talking here.) Sadness that people genuinely don't seem to understand what they throw away, AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. Sadness that hospitals are adding PEDIATRIC Diabetes and Heart Disease units. Sadness that everyone seems to collude in the lie that we have no idea why national health is in an actual decline. I know so many people who never even BOTHER TO LOOK at what they are eating. It just goes on and on. Because its all become normalised by passing generations. And after a while, I just have to crawl in here and bitch about it a while. Air Quality? Hellllllllllllo?!
Rant over. Please resume your daily consumption and so will I. :)
I know what is hard. Laying stone is hard. There, that is hard. There ya go. My hat is off to all souls who work with stone.
This is a super awesome post. I love it. When I was young, my mom told me that I had special talents - things most people couldn't do... I didn't believe her. I thought everyone could do them.
After years of schooling, my idea changed.. and I thought, not only can most people not do those things.. I can't even do them that well.
Now, unschooling my sons, I have reawakened many interests I gave up because folks said they were stupid, wasteful or impossible... with that same mindset I had as a child, realizing that everyone lied to me.. I can do it, anyone can do it. Why did they stop me?
K, this is one of my favorite posts you've written so far... :)
The secret of being an artist is to just be one. It is the secret of it all, probably. And since we are home where it is quiet and comfortable and no one is telling us we cannot - it is easier for us to believe it.
I was just reminded of the blog: life without school. Its an excellent resource. Great reading for anyone interested in educational issues. I found an essay that was posted on Dec. 1 that dovetails nicely with this one: "Tipping Sacred Cows" (How could I pass that title?!) Check it out:
http://lifewithoutschool.typepad.com/lifewithoutschool/
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