Yesterday was stall mucking day. I went to the barn alone. I knew it would be nearly silent as everyone in the farm house would be off to church. I was planning to shovel and listen to ducks. The ducks make my favorite farm sound. I hear them, mack mack mack mack mack mack macking, and smile. That sound, like the sound of water, leaves me empty but for gratitude. Armed with gratitude, gloves, a shovel, and a wheel barrow I set to work.
As I was filling the first load I heard a shout through the barn, "Hey, you want to use the tractor?" The ducks fell silent and a thrill shot through me. This is a big tractor, a real tractor, the kind of tractor FARMERS use. This is no lawn "tractor." This is no baby toy. This is serious equipment. I was terrified. I said, "Yes, please."
I got a ten minute tutorial about the 15 different ways to brake this beast and was told, "better not to use the brakes at all." I got a three minute tutorial about the 25 different ways to maneuver the bucket loader. Also, it was underscored that I had about 30 feet of space in which to move this enormous machine. "You know, anything the tractor touches will crumble, so, Uh, be careful."
Then I was alone with a petulant dragon. Oh it knew, perfectly well, exactly what I wanted. And it pretended to try. It would nibble at half a load. It did some scraping, barely pushing the dirty shavings around. Then suddenly, it tried to grab huge mouthfuls out of the stall floor. It was trying to eat the floor when I wasn't looking. And it growled the whole time. And when it wasn't grabbing and growling, it was crawling to the manure pile to disgorge. As if I was riding a horrifyingly powerful winged turtle.
I reminded myself that it is ok to take your time learning. I reminded myself to be patient. I reflected how teachers in school will give you information no less than 13 thousand times. I got used to that, in fact I trained myself to close my ears to instruction, it was so numbingly repetitious. But when learning out in the real world, alone with dragons for instance, you best be prepared to pay attention to any help offered.
After 30 minutes of some seriously back breaking hard work, I parked the tractor. (Note, the farmer could have cleared the entire barn in this time.) Silence rushed in. I breathed. I found my land legs. I walked over to the shovel and the wheel barrow. I rested a minute. The goats dropped in to assess the damage and laugh behind my back. I heard the ducks, so soothing. And I set to work, confident that next time I'll do better. I have learned to practice and then stop, when learning a new skill. Half the learning arrives after practice, so best to stop and percolate.
But I couldn't wait to get home and tell the children. "I was scared. It was hard. I did it! But not too well. And some day I might have a chance to try again." Occasionally, my lessons are their lessons.
5 comments:
I can picture this, dearie, because I too struggle with the tractor. It just doesn't RESPOND the way I so often think it should.
Next time will be better - after a brief review period. You're right to be patient with yourself.
So cool that you shared your learning experience with the kids. It's good for them to hear that things are hard for us sometimes too. Beautiful work - to humble yourself so your children can learn from you.
Rae, you do understand! (Notice how often I've been saying that sentence lately?) It just didn't respond the way I thought it should. I was so horrified when a big chunk of the FLOOR came up. Ya know? And its so hard to see through the bucket. Ya know? You DO know. :)
Just the fact that you were on a tractor, struggling or not, puts you on my list of kickass chicks.
I saw your comment to HK blog. I have been a fan of hers since way back when I lived in NC.
Now, Mrs. G, I have to tell you that I was wondering to myself as I left that comment. I believe what I said, in that I believe I feel your actual power. Kind of like Isis, perhaps? Or The Warrior Princess. But who am I to say? I don't know you from Shera Princess of Power. Or do I? You've admired hk from exactly how far back? Perhaps we've met? Did you notice I have you two linked under each other, here? Is this like a super kryptonite power meld of Warrior Princesses of NC?
Isn't she hilarious? But then, so are you. :)
I loved this. "My lessons are their lessons." And you are unschooling too. So much easier to learn something all alone, with your own thoughts, and to practice at your own pace. So much easier than to try to learn it with someone anxiously waiting over your shoulder for you to "get it already." It is scary, and you will have fleeting feelings of foolishness and akwardness and stupidity. But there will be nobody around to grind those feelings in and make them stick, and that makes all the difference.
Loved it. Now you'll have to pay closer attention to things that say, "Do not operate heavy machinery while taking." Heavy machinery! You rock girl.
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