There are in fact four very significant stumbling blocks in the way of grasping the truth, which hinder every man however learned, and scarcely allow anyone to win a clear title to wisdom, namely, the example of weak and unworthy authority, longstanding custom, the feeling of the ignorant crowd, and the hiding of our own ignorance while making a display of our apparent knowledge. ~Rodger Bacon

I moderate an online homeschooling discussion board. Lately there has been a conversation there among the moderators about what kind of behavior to allow. We all agree we want the community to remain diverse. We all agree we want lots of different kinds of opinions voiced on the board. And we all agree one must be tolerant of differing styles and intellectual levels to accomplish diversity of opinion.

A woman posts there who does not share my opinions, she does not share my world view, she does not agree with me on much of anything. In fact, there are many there who fit that description. But this woman is also poorly behaved. The moderators seem to have decided to tolerate her poor behavior. And that's fine for that board. And in so choosing, they are choosing the quality of discussion there. But I do not tolerate bad behavior in my life, where ever I have a choice. And I teach my children not to tolerate bad behavior (or teaching) where ever they have a choice..

I think this is closely related to my disdain for institutional school. I have been rethinking my reasons for homeschooling. I have mentioned there is such a thing as homeschooled demeanor and you can frequently pick homeschooled children out of a crowd. They tend to be comfortable around adults - having never learned to fear authority. They tend to be interested in learning - having not been taught that learning is boring. They tend not to compartmentalise other children - having never been compartmentalised themselves. So they play freely with all ages, they seem confused by mean spirited games such as "boys against girls" and they are generally confident that adults are not only fairly good company but also excellent help. Homeschooled children are easy to be around, well behaved, curious, lively, self confident, and generally logical people.

Guess what? So are many kids who go to institutional school. A friend pointed this out to me the other day, directly and by the excellent example of her own children. Through a long conversation, she and I arrived at the notion that good parenting creates good children. Where they are educated beyond that, is less important. It is true sometimes. But I am still concerned about the waste of time inherent in 13 years of elementary education. Especially since the time line of institutional education is arbitrary. And I worry that institutionalisation habituates some ugly tendencies. Such as the tendency to allow yourself to be treated poorly.

It turns out, tolerating bad behavior just gets you a lot of unpleasant company. You can look around your life and see this. Do you tolerate bad behavior in your children? If so, they are likely obnoxious company. Do you tolerate bad behavior socially? If so, why? Doesn't it suck? Do you tolerate abusive or unkind behavior from your family? Why would you?

I think I know why. I think we do this for two reasons. I think we tolerate abuse from people we love because we fear no one else will love us. And I think we tolerate social abuse because we are conditioned to it. And where does that conditioning happen? Often it happens slowly over 13 brutally long years, full of maximal obnoxiousness and minimal quality, in our institutional school system.

Society requires tolerance and mental health requires flexibility and patients. You can't get very far down the road without tolerance, flexibility, and patients. I am thinking, for example, of the poor guy who sat waiting for me to TAKE MY FREAKING TURN ALREADY at a four way stop today. I was sitting there, inexplicably, waiting for the oncoming traffic to pass. How could he know that I've lived here for so many years and since before that intersection became a four way. I forgot the on coming traffic had to stop. And these kinds of mistakes, among many others, require tolerance.

Tolerance, flexibility, and patients are modeled here at home every day (to various degrees.) And I now require a high standard of good manners from the people who surround me. It has taken me 41 years to figure this out. And my life is a much nicer place to be. I am hoping the children grow up with equally high expectations. I hope they expect quality and I hope they insist on it. And I don't think school is a good place to learn that lesson.

The children, choosing their fun while Mom writes on the computer.