I am going to pull a comment up here. I am so struck by the raw honesty of it. And moved by the parts I recognise in myself. Self Loathing. Insecurity. False Mooring. And most deeply, the familiar feeling of two choices: acceptance or rejection. There you go. The dual edged blade mistaken for love in the shadow of toxic family.
Lisa said...
"I am fascinated by this. I have always termed my mother a narcissist but after reading "Aftermath", I find myself wanting to disavow that label. It just sounds so much worse mostly because I am in a pretty good place right now. My mother lives far away and my contact is very limited and I seem to be making my own choices right now. Isn't that sad? I am 44 years old and I SEEM to be making my own choices. But I struggle; I never know exactly what is right. NEVER am I certain. I knew when I was at her knee (or later sitting beside her drinking wine and smoking cigarettes) when I was right; she would applaud my aplomb or wisdom beyond my years. Much later, I discovered that it wasn't wisdom; it was a coping mechanism. I was so in tune with what she needed from me that I could give it flawlessly in order to feel some measure of love -- her acceptance as opposed to rejection -- those really felt like the two choices. I was so formed by this that it seems I will have to die and be reincarnated to ever know a different way of interacting with the world...to ever know who I am intended to be, to know myself, to feel I have a core. The worst part for me is the fear; see I don't know that you can be raised by a narcissist and not have some measure of those traits. I know I do and when they rear their head, the self-loathing is powerful. I sometimes wish I could disentangle from myself. Btw, there has been lots of therapy. Yes, I could use more. I am glad to find this support website on being raised by a narcissist. Thanks for this post, Katherine. "
I am coming to expect this depth and immediacy from these Texas Women. Yes, with the capitals. These Texas Women are a genre unto themselves. God Bless Y'all!
4 comments:
yes the Texas Women kick ass.
but we show up here cuz you are brave. even when we don't necessarily agree (oh so rare)...the courage to say it LOUD AND PROUD or even to ask it...the tough stuff...
brilliant you are.
Thank you for saying that my stuff resonates with you, Katherine. I really cannot express how much that means to me adequately without being able to throw my arms around you and do a body-heaving, full on sob of gratitude. As you started this thread, a major point was the lack of validation by those around you -- "you're too sensitive" or "You're the one that seems self-involved" . . . and the like. To have someone get you must be the greatest gift of all. To know that I now have two REALLY amazing women in NC who get me. I am so there. Your friend, Lisa
Lisa. I feel humbled. I am so grateful you women showed up here in my real life. First Lori and now you, here? With me? I get to know you? It seems too good to be true.
love love love love! Katherine
Thank you, K. Still having keyboard issues, so can't add more. Here is my blog about it: http://sometimesitsabitch.blogspot.com/
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