I am one of those parents with lots of ideas and ideals. Most of that stuff falls through the cracks of my slack most of the time. For instance, I believe it is bad to praise children too much. And yet I hear myself praise often, and often in a shallow way. After all, I adore them and I believe all my praise. But the rest of the world does not necessarily agree. And the children are not my assessment, they are the truth of their behavior and talent.

What is bad about too much praise? Children are not unformed dim slow idiots. They know when they are being flattered. They know shallow drivel when they hear it. But unlike the well armored adults we should all be by now, if they hear too much hollow praise they may begin to believe that hollow praise is acceptable, that our world is to some degree hollow. We teach children, schooling or not, by example. So if we keep hammering idiotic social messages into the children, the children will eventually accept this as normal behavior for the adult world. "Oh, MY, how amazing you are! What mind blowing talent you have! "That art work? BRILLIANT my dear little Johnny!"

It is far more important to teach them to work for their own satisfaction. It is important to teach them to be proud of their effort. Effort is 90% more important in the real world than product. We see this all the time. Really talented people who loll around, who know they are talented, who know they could produce, but who mostly just sit around with their drug of choice. And who, just maybe, are a tad paralysed by all the pressure of their brilliance. These are the same folks who can be desperately judgmental, who scoff at the work of others, who know they could do so much better. Because they could. Except that they don't, or can't. Meanwhile, out in the working world, the folks who get PAID are usually the ones working hardest and generally are not the very most talented.

It is hard to talk coherently in such vague terms. But our cool looking paralysed artist up there, the judgemental one? Can you hear the voice of his parents coming through the bong smoke hanging in the air? All that shallow "praise" suddenly reveals its dark side: sitting in judgment of others. We can guess this talented child was perhaps raised in a hologram of a sad shallow world full of empty praise and harsh judgement. Can you think of 10 adults afflicted with variations of underachievement, do they tend to be judgmental?

Children know when they are being flattered. But do they know when they are being manipulated? Manipulation is the darkest underbelly of flattery.

But when you can see a child clearly. When you can see their intention, their talent, their effort, and their dear excellent essence you can love them clearly. Love is the best form of praise. Love and support and company. What is more empowering than the warm hand of love? What is better than a good companion on a long hard road?

When praise arrives in conjunction with an internal private feeling that you have really tried, it feels great. It makes you feel visible and less alone. Praise should be an extension of good company. In that way, praise is only as valuable as the person who sends out the message. That is a happy, unegocentric, delicious companionable thing to realise. Chattering empty words that sound glad are nothing much, literally, and they are no comparison t0 the knowledge that you work and live in good company with others who can see you and who like you. Others who are busy with their own effort and who are not mired in much extracurricular judgement.
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